I'll find you on facebook

Here is a column I wrote for class last semester in all it's glory. Including errors.

It’s not that I thought it was weird that the boy I had talked to one time for one minute at the swimming pool had found me on Facebook, but I was confused. And, okay, I did think it was a little weird since he never asked my name and I never offered it. I was in awe of his Facebook stalking skills, so I went to work on figuring out the ultimate Facebook hunting techniques. What I came up with has now become my fool proof plan called “Stalk em’ till you lock em’: a guide to meeting people”

Rather than asking the individual anything so compromising as their name when you first see them, look for more subtle ways of obtaining it.

For example, you see the individual across the room. Instantly you think, “We have to be friends on Facebook.” Stay where you are and start shouting various names that apply to the gender of your wanted. Continue doing so until your wanted responds to one.

Note: If he or she responds to the first name it may not necessarily be the true name. Often individuals will look around to see where the yelling is coming from. Disregard it and continue. If you suspect the first name was correct try saying it again later in the sequence to see if your wanted responds the same way.

An alternative for those who are shyer or have a chronically quiet voice is called the Lip Read Method, or LRM. LRM is especially helpful for far distance discoveries. Simply stare at the lips of the individual as he or she is introduced to others. It is helpful to have a notepad with you because distance and poor annunciation make it difficult to establish the correct name with the LRM. After the lip reading analysis use the notepad to jot down all name possibilities.

If you are sitting near this individual in class a glance over their notes can often turn up both a first and last name written in the right hand corner. If this doesn’t work, wait until the person takes a bathroom break and search through his or her binder.

Or if you prefer the tactic my friend at the beginning of this story probably used, have one of your friends pretend to write an article for a class. When your friend interviews your wanted their full name will be revealed.

After you’ve discovered the name it’s time to go virtual. Adding is easy, but having your friend request confirmed is the tricky part. Make sure you add a message to your friend request otherwise he or she may blow you off as a virtual predator. I suggest using the IIYKTT (Incessantly Insist You Know Them Technique). This technique is easily achieved by pretending to know the individual. Make sure to state generic places where you first met, i.e. a party, the store, on campus, etc. Also include a list of common acquaintances. Do this by using common names or by selecting random individuals from their Facebook friend list and saying you know them.

If big lies are not your forte stick with smaller phrases such as, but not limited to, “Hey, I thought you were in my math class so I added you, but then I found out you weren’t. You’re pretty anyway though, so we should be friends,” or “Are you the one selling your ipod?” or “Hey! Remember me? We were best friends in elementary school!”

This latter is especially effective because it adds a factor of guilt to the individual for the lack of memory.

And if worse comes to worse, look through your wanted individual’s info tab for a telephone number or, if your lucky, an address. Showing up on his or her doorstep would be a pleasant surprise - much better than if you had introduced yourself at the start.