An era

Well.
It's been a long time.
The blogging world doesn't know, because I never announced it, but an era came and passed during my lapse in writing.

I'll call it the Engagement Era, because, well, I was engaged. I don't really know how to express what I'm feeling now that that era ended.

The best way I can think to describe it is that it feels like someone died.
Like Stephen died.
Like a four-year chunk of my life died.
Like a planned future full of him died.

The grieving process is an interesting thing. Somedays I do pretty well. I have a lot of hope and gratitude and optimism. Then it swings to a very dark day full of loneliness and just a huge sense of loss. I didn't know it was possible to hurt so much or to feel so lonely.

But it's got me thinking about how minimal this hard time is compared to what others go through. I am grateful to have this heartbreak so I can comprehend a tiny bit about the loss that others feel when they go through a hard time.

There are also good things. Many many good things.

I feel really grateful for the love and encouragement that I've been given.
I feel grateful for Stephen and the good person he is.

I feel grateful for the lessons he taught me about loving people and looking out for the lonely and taking myself less seriously and laughing off stress and being excited about having a family and helping people see their potential and appreciating my wonderful family and a million other things.

I feel grateful for his understanding and forgiveness in this awfully hard decision I had to make.
I feel grateful to know he will never say anything bad about me even if he becomes frustrated.
I feel grateful that God has a plan and knows what will make us both happiest.
I feel grateful that the anxiety I felt for so many months is gone and I know I made the right choice even though it was so hard.
I feel grateful for my wonderful sisters who drove long distances to be with me as soon as they heard.
I feel grateful for the rest of my family who would have come if they could have.
I feel grateful for my parents huge patience in my constant sorrowing.
I feel grateful for the aunts, cousins, friends and leaders that offered advice.
I feel grateful for the many texts, messages and phone calls that I just couldn't bear to respond to, but I appreciated all the same.
I'm grateful for the kind man on campus yesterday that said "Are you okay? You look so sad. Can I help you?"
I feel grateful for the girl who told me I had pretty eyes.
I feel grateful for a friend who dyed my hair pink and blue because I really just wanted to DO IT.
I feel grateful for friends who don't expect me to have to date for a long time.
I feel grateful for this beautiful fall weather that is my favorite.
I feel grateful for understanding professors who knew me last semester, notice the absence of a ring and just say, "It looks like you maybe had a hard summer."
I feel grateful for the hundreds of prayers that I have literally felt carry me through this.

There are good things to come. I know I will have many dark and lonely days ahead as well, but I am excited in a way to learn to be happy with myself. Just me. To be happy with my life as it is. It's a great challenge.
But as I'm working on that, I have to share these pictures, because they are too beautiful not to share. And because it was a beautiful era of life that has shaped a large portion of my soul. It's an era I will never  try to hide, because I'm proud of it and I've loved the lessons I learned.